Crystal Ball: Superpower Prediction

So here is an trend that seems to be forming. It is widely known that January and February are the dumping grounds for studio write-offs. These are the movies that would disappear if they were released any other time of the year. Two films in this junk pile have caught my attention.

Last year Jumper (2008) was released on Valentines day. This totally forgettable piece of garbage was directed by the usually talented Doug Liman and starred the always talentless Hayden Christensen. The story was about people with powers who could transport or "Jump" through space. They are being chased by some government agency and need to escape. It had some conceptually nice ideas, but was built like a prologue for a franchise that will never come into being. We can all be happy for that.


This year, Push (2009) was released on February 6th. This is a totally forgettable piece of junk featuring some acting talent like Cliff Curtis, Dakota Fanning and Chris Evans and very little talent behind the camera. It is about people with powers who are being chased by some government agency and need to escape. This has a slightly better through line than Jumper had, but still feels like a set up for a franchise that will never come into being.

It makes me think that February could easily become the month of the superpower-verb movie. If this trend continues then here is a crystal ball look at some movies to look forward to.

GRAB (2010): Good looking twenty-somethings have powers to make things disappear and reappear in their hands. The government has defined this power as "Grabbing and are trying to catch these hipsters so they can use them as spies and steal other countries technology. It stars Jake Gyllenhaal and the triumphant return of Haley Joel Osment. Denzel Washington plays the leader of the government agency who seems bad, but has a change of heart because we know that Denzel could never be truly evil.

CATCH (2011): Good looking twenty-somethings have powers to stop things in mid air. They are chased by evil foreign agents because a meteor is hurling towards the USA and want to see this democratic nation destroyed. They know they can't have the "Catchers" thwart that which God deems necessary against the American infidels. It stars Mary-Kate Olsen and Shia LeBeouf as the power wielders who are being chased by Magic Johnson because he is the only person on the planet who demonstrates less screen presence and stiff line readings then Mary-Kate.

KISS (2012): Good looking twenty-somethings have powers to destroy or bring things to life by using there lips. The Government has deemed this special power, "Kissing". A female "Kisser" is going to assassinate a presidential candidate and must be stopped by a male "Kisser" because they can sense where each other are. (It's a special benefit for having such sexy powers.) It stars Elijah Wood and Scarlett Johansson who make out for twenty minutes in the climactic battle in which they end up "lipping" each other to death. In attempting to change his image, Carlos Mencia will play a dramatic role as the presidential candidate. Monica Bellucci shows up for a one scene cameo to be hot and give out the plot twist. Sean Astin is set to make his directorial feature film debut.


This will lead to a several more films titled, SHUFFLE, TWIST, SHOVE and the film that brings this impressive movement to a close LICK in 2016. in 2020 this pattern will have been discovered by french film critic and elitist Jean-Luc Pissoir who will deem this brief yet historical film finding, "Nouvelle Verbe". He dies three years later after he refuses to acknowledge he has syphilis, but his cinematic findings will last forever.